Thursday, October 25, 2012

the one and only cerita hindustan yang awesome.

i'm not a fan of hindustani movies. yang baru-baru ke lama-lama ke. gila boleh sakit otak kalau tak kena dengan taste aku. rasa nak tendang tv. ha sampai cenggitu beb.

tapi.... ada satu movie yang sumpah dah berjuta kali tengok pun aku meleleh merembes lagi hahaha. cite kabhi kushi kabhi gham. lagu dia banyak best-best. walaupun aku tak suka pooja dalam citer tu. 

adoi sedih. perlu ke tayang cerita ni kat tv. merembes-rembes tengok. aku rasa soft spot aku adalah cerita kekeluargaan ahhhhh. eee mensik meleleh sob sob.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

melayu tulen.

when my life is hectic, i easily get sick. 
like now.
i planned to reach office before 9.
but it's twelve now and here i am in front of the tv.
i feel queasy and dizzy and my heart beats so fast.

bila aku tak sihat, dan aku sangat penat - i become overly cranky.
even the smallest issue can be big to me.
my emotions are fragile like the crystal.

so please, stop messing up with me.

bila aku bekerja, i do it wholeheartedly sebab i love my job.
i love what i'm building now.
my career.

and i love it when my spouse-to-be is very supportive.
even sometimes he expects too much.
but still, i love it.

i'm working hard.
so hard till some see me as ambitious.
but i'm doing it because i want to improve.
and i want to test myself.
to challenge my ability to the max.

but why, why are Malays so different?
why Malays can easily feel safe?
why Malays can easily be comfortable with what they have?

bersyukur, ye. 
i'm very much thankful to God.
don't get me wrong.

we get so angry when the other races become rich and somebody.
we get angry to them for not respecting their origin.
our origin.
the history - how did they begin, where did they come from, what they were before.

kita memang tuan.
LAMA DULU.
dulu, kita tuan.

sekarang, kalau kita tak bersaing dengan sihat - kita kuli.
jangan malas.
dan jangan mudah rasa selesa.

people evolve.
life moves.
yet orang kita masih berpegang pada sejarah.
sebab kita TUAN suatu ketika dulu.

meh aku bagi satu lagu.

enjit enjit semut,
siapa sakit naik atas.

nampak?
sebab kau rasa sakit maka kau mendaki naik.
bukan selamanya kau di atas.
sebab kau rasa keperitan hidup, maka kau akan berusaha.

Melayu, bangunlah.
jangan bekerja semata kerana gaji.
we all need to learn as much as we can.
while we are still alive.

dan jangan berkira pasal kerja.
kau takkan kemana.

percayalah.

aku berdarah kacukan, tetap aku panggil diri aku melayu.
and for this, aku malu menjadi melayu.
sebab melayu suka jadi tuan.
but never want to work hard for it.

tak semua lahir dalam keturunan di raja.
yang celik mata semua sembah hormat dipanggil tuan.

bangunlah wehhhhhh.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

kebaikan kedekut.

this is just my two cents, so no hard feelings okayhh.

lately, i notice that it has become a trend for my people to do things like westerners do. i understand each and every person must have a solid reason of doing it, but i just hope that we aren't living in denial. 

and i truly understand, some of the reasons are solely for celebrating, meraikan dan segala yang baik belaka. tetapi hati-hatilah, jangan sampai membelakangkan apa yang patut. kadang dalam kita terlalu ghairah membuat sesuatu, adab, budaya dan agama jadi pertaruhan.

to some, i may not fit to say a thing about this. but 'this' has been bothering me for quite some time; and to think of my children will be raised and surely exposed to 'this', i'm more than worried here.

call me paranoid - but i care for my children even they are still nowhere to be found bahahaha.

what is 'this', you may ask. not gonna say it here as i know it's super sensitive to many. i can't say much on this, cukuplah aku coret serba sedikit di sini sebagai peringatan untuk diri sendiri bahawa not everything that has become a trend is good to be followed. not only it's a waste of money but also, when a trend is 'religiously' followed and practiced by others, sooner or later it then becomes a culture.

not something that i want to live in. cukuplah kita dah ada culture yang so sickening now. please people, do think before you start adopting others' way of life blindly and make it as yours. 

meriah memang meriah. but back to basic - is it really necessary? i bet you have the answer if only you open up yourself and start to think deeply about it.

Monday, October 15, 2012

penemuan terbaru yang bisa membuat air liur meleleh.

kukis tersedap gila dan murah hakhakhak. aku consider murah la sebab kalau nak dibandingkan dengan harga famous amos tu memang koyak besar la poket dengan nafsu sebesar aku ni bahaha.

nak tahu kukis apa?

jeng jeng jenggggg...

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perghhh meleleh i tell youuuuu. memang sedap gilos gilos sedap.


super duper awesome.


choc chip tu, i tell you, rasa macam choc cair weehhhh. 
tak keras langsung.
boleh jilat-jilat nikmat bahaha lain macam je bunyi ni.
but i mean, the choc okay.
nothing else.


ni, nampak je hitam gelap hangit.
tapi hitam bukan sebarang hitam.
hitam dia lazat gilos wehhh.
tak pahit tak apa sedap je.

aku promo ni bukan sebab aku dibayar subway. readers pun ada seketol je hahaha nuffnang pun bolayan. tapi aku berniat baik nak kongsi nikmat dunia.

however, it's only succulent for those yang suka soft cookies.
for me, no prob at all.

keras ke lembut ke semua aku bedal.
nom nom nom.

p/s: kudos to those yang berjaya ambil gambar sebelum makan, aku, of course la pelahap kan.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

how.

a student of mine, pakai niqab.
but i've known her since dia belum berniqab lagi.
so when she decided to wear it, i was very much impressed.

sebab dia Subhanallah, secantik-cantik ciptaan.
memang cantik.
so pada aku, tujuan dia berniqab mungkin kerana nak melindungi diri.
dan dia memang menjaga aurat.
aku kagum sebab muda-muda dah ada kesedaran.
bukan macam aku.

tapi sedih bila aku terjumpa gambar dia tanpa niqab, masa dinner.
aurat terdedah tidak dijaga.

entah kenapa, aku rasa kecewa sangat. 

Friday, October 12, 2012

is there any medication to topup patience?

hello ya'll.

i'm writing on the new laptop, provided with generosity from my workplace.
weird because everything is so high tech and modern and i feel old tetiba hahahhaa.

tahun ni, tahun ketiga tak ada bonus.
sedih la jugak sebab orang lain kemain bergumbira.
but then, aku suka tempat kerja sekarang.
and tak plan nak tukar kerja dalam masa terdekat.

i feel i'm so blessed despite i'm broke now haha.
aku sangat bersyukur, ada kerja yang baik.
tempat kerja aku sangat memahami kesibukan yang aku alami.
siap beri muka lagi bila aku kata nak study di rumah atau nak membuta hahaha.
disebabkan mereka sangat baik dan bertimbang rasa, maka haruslah membalas budi suruh buat kerja macam balaci, kerjala kita macam balaci.


kesibukan as a lecturer ni pada aku bermusimlah.
it's not all the time busy.
but that doesn't mean we all tak busy langsung.
cuma masa lebih flexible la kalau nak keluar ada urusan tu.
yang penting, kerja siap kan.

for now, department aku semua staff tengah sambung belajar.
semua busy.
yang jadi ketua jabatan (ehem ehem akula tu) lagilah busy.
plus aku buat thesis for my master, not coursework like the rest.
bahan bacaan sahaja hundreds.
jadi memang sibuk.

tapi.. yang buat aku makan dalam ni, bila orang banyak bagi alasan bila orang minta buat apa-apa.
well, ada sebab kenapa aku lantik setiausaha.
which is to assist me la kan?
i'm calling for a department meeting next friday.
and i asked setiausaha jabatan untuk sediakan memo based on the template sedia ada.
cuma tinggal tukar tarikh, no rujukan dan masa.
simple, aite?

why question: ur name is on the memo, why must i do it?

kalau nak fikir begitu, semua memo atas nama i.
untuk program, untuk laporan, untuk serahan kertas, untuk serahan dokumen.
sebab aku ketua jabatan.
kau SETIAUSAHA.

setia sikit berkhidmat, boleh?

grr garang ni.

on the other hand (nak jugak tulis bagi panjang aku ni haaa), my study progress is going well.
it's a bit left behind than what i've planned, but still within the schedule.
supervisor is not only helpful but very inspiring.
aku masih lagi dalam fasa takut-takut tak yakin.
tapi entah, mungkin rezeki aku.

i'm in good hands.
i meet the right person and kebetulan aku memang minat bidang baru yang dia nak explore.
i'll be spending time in the vet hospital when the time comes.
tak sabar nak play with the animals.
i can't keep one at home sebab aku tak rajin nak tukar pasir la apa la.
and i'm more into fish kot ye pun.
tapi nak main sekali sekala suka je hihihi.

i'm supposed to read articles, mark papers, complete few things.
but here i am rambling without specific purpose.

ahh.
lets just reward myself after many sleepless nights worrying of so many things.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

jump off the cliff.

i think i'm pushing myself too much.

i have assistants.
why did i do everything on my own?

kekdah jadik bos tapi tak sampai hati menyuruh.
end up stress.

sometimes i have to admit.
aku memang act like a superwoman.

when i'm not.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

let's talk about ethics.

i'm supposed to be sleeping, but i'm so called to write on ethical issues that have put many into dilemmas including myself.

selama aku hidup, aku sangat berperasaan negatif dengan insurans. hakikatnya, i'm not alone. most malays memang tak mempunyai insurans perlindungan perubatan whatsoever. masa aku menjadi wakil insuran bekerja makan gaji dengan sebuah bank, susah nak buat sales dengan malays. yang akan menjadi sasaran adalah kaum lain. disebabkan aku boleh berbahasa inggeris dengan baik, so mereka letak aku di tengah bandar di mana bahasa pertama adalah bahasa inggeris. but that's not the point la aku nak cerita adoi meleret pulak.

and btw, aku kerja tu pun sebab tersilap percaturan. keluar mulut buaya masuk mulut rimau ibaratnya. yang membuatkan aku seronok cuma gajinya ahaksss mata duitan iols ni. 

sepanjang aku bekerja, banyak kali juga kami dihantar training. memang pelbagai dakyah dan ceramah la masuk telinga ni. tapi bagusnya aku ni (memuji diri sendiri tanpa rasa riak bahahha) adalah aku bukan jenis main amik sumbat macam tu je. aku jenis suka berfikir. aku akan fikir dan cuba lihat dari macam-macam sudut.

antara dakyah menjual yang diajar adalah dengan tidak mencanangkan apa yang tidak perlu. some people, they are ignorant and very materialistic - dua kombinasi sikap yang tidak bagus, terutamanya bagi orang islam. antara selling point insurans adalah duit menjadi bukit. seronok kalau dengar tetiba boleh buat duit cara mudah ni. ramai terjebuk, percayalah.

antara perkara yang ramai tidak tahu, pelaburan paling tinggi risiko tetapi pulangan lumayan adalah benda-benda yang tidak halalan toyyiban atau kehalalannya diragui. kalau mengikut mentor aku, jangan risau sebab pelanggan boleh memilih kaedah pelaburan yang mereka mahu. MEMILIH. dooowhhh. kalau islamik, dah kompem-kompem pelaburan berisiko rendah, pulangan rendah which is in other words duit naik pelan-pelan kayuh. secara lojisnya, memang tiada pilihan pun so kau nak pilih apa dowhhh?

memanglah kau boleh push untuk pelaburan halalan, tapi bagi si mata duitan ada dia kesah? ada jenis main langgar sental aje. so saham subahat ye di situ, kawan-kawan. in fact, sampai sekarang aku masih belum mendapat jawapan telus daripada mana-mana ejen insuran - pelaburan risiko rendah yang halal itu adalah apa? berbelit-belit jawapan dia nanti. tak caya, cubalah. been there done that bahahaaa.

nak beli insurans, kena hati-hati. ada ejen tak ambil kira perihal dosa pahala. kadang demi duit, orang sanggup tutup mata. aku cakap daripada pengalaman. terus terang cakap, orang kalau buat bisnes mesti nak untung. samada sikit ke banyak ke, yang tu kena tepuk dada tanya selera.

pada aku, ejen yang dengan sengaja menjual benda tak halal ni adalah tidak beretika. jangan cakap kau tak ada pilihan, ini periuk nasi kau. sebab periuk nasi la kena jaga betul-betul bagi bersih. aku tak kata aku baik sangat, lu pikir la sendiri.

aku berhenti pun banyak sebab. aku tak suka jual menda aku tak yakin. aku ragu-ragu, dan pada aku kalau dah ragu-ragu hukumnya makruh so berhentilah jawapan paling baik. kebetulan bapak aku jatuh sakit, lagilah bagi akku ibarat petanda bahaha. 

to qila, aku tau ko boleh decide what's best lagi-lagi untuk amna. tapi entah kenapa aku rasa bengang gila ngan ejen kau tu hahahahaaa. sila tukar ejen, please. cari yang kau kenal. aku last-last dah malas nak fikir, aku amik student as ejen aku. siap aku ugut kalau ada sebarang penipuan, i sue you bahahahaaa.

lagipun, carik orang yang ko betul-betul comfortable to deal with. boleh diganggu anytime hahaha. eh tapi ko dah ada insurans so you know better than me rasanya hihihi. semoga urusan kau dipermudahkan. andddd AMNA GEBUS GILA KOT. apa khasiat susu kau ni haaaa hahahahhaha.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

of being obsessed over something.

aku suka balut buku.
rasa macam feeling gila bila buku dah dibalut.
lagi tajam buku lagi bangga rasa bahahah.
lepas tu kalau depan licin ketat je, bahagia betul rasa hahahaa.
saiko, i know.
tapi aku tetap nak suka jugak.

aku suka menulis pakai pensil.
terasa cantik dan kemas tulisan hihihi.
walaupun ada yang kata orang yang suka menulis adalah orang yang insecure dengan diri sendiri, dulik hapa aku.
janji happy.
tulisan cantik = happy.
hik hik.

of these two things, aku rasa ramai orang tak sedar kepentingannya.
pasal kepentingan balut buku dan mempunyai tulisan yang cantik dan kemas.

bila aku mengajar ni, aku perhatikan pelajar tak suka balut buku.
togel je dibiarkan.
lepas tu lunyai lusuh koyak sana sini.
aduuuh sayang.

dictionary aku sudah hampir sedekad.
dah tiga kali aku tukar pembalut.
sayang sangat sampai sanggup bagi dictionary baru pada adik daripada membiarkan dia merembat aku punya.
kemas lagi dalam dan luar.
tak ada tanda dimamah usia, selain daripada kertas sedikit kuning dan bau dah tak sewangi dulu.

dictionary pelajar, kertasnya nak buat balut belacan pun tak sanggup.
sodih mak menengoknye~

dan part tulisan.
dulu tangan dan jari aku diketuk mama sebab tulisan buruk.
siaplah kau lepas tu berbuku-buku aku disuruh menulis sampai cantik.
tertidur-tidur di meja nak habiskan.

hasilnya, tulisan aku kemas dan cantik.
dan kalaupun aku ada tulisan nak cepat, masih cantik dan kemas.
tapi yang tu dengan syarat pakai pensil la.
kalau nak cepat tapi pakai pen, comot jadiknya hahah.

sebab dulu mak aku pelekah (bahasa utara yang bermaksud jerkah/paksa) menulis tu guna pensil.
kalau dia suruh pakai pen, mesti lagi cantik tulisan aku bahahaa.

esok kalau ada anak, jangan lupa ajar menulis.
senang cikgu nak menanda kertas nanti.
jangan jadi macam anak muridku.
tulisan nauzubillah macam tangan digelek kereta.

herot petot buruk.
unreadable.

antara cabaran menjadi guru.
oh oh aku lah lilin itu ecewaaah.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

do i really miss them all?

masa aku belajar dulu, i found it so hard to fit in. being different had never been easy on me. sama ada aku, atau memang my course ni penuh dengan orang yang tak sekufu bahahahaa. aku memang ada masalah sikit bila bergaul dengan anak-anak orang kaya ni. maybe it wasn't them, aku je yang ada personal issue.

entah, susahlah nak berborak dengan orang yang macam ada standard ni. aku ni, kampung-kampung sikit. dahlah tak berduit while diorang almost every night keluar melepak. aku kan cheapskate, so memasaklah kat rumah. plus diorang suka keluar melepak tempat aku tak reti nak join and cost a lot of money. sekali dua orang ajaklah, tapi kalau dah selalu tolak lama-lama orang pun mesti rasa aku tak suka padahal aku tak berduit bahahahaa.

aku ni pulak ada tendency suka cakap merapu and melawak bodo. harap muka je ketat tapi bila bukak mulut merepek-repek-kerepek. plus ada satu kejadian mereka buat aku sampai aku decide to be away from them. kalau cakap pasal tu sekarang pun, aku still ada rasa upset dan kurang senang. macam sedih sangat pun ada hahaha tangkap syahdu betul. 

so yeah, if someone asks do i miss them - naaahhh, not at all. aku rindukan moment aku baik dengan roommates aku masa buat predegree dulu. but i guess people change so do i. maybe to them aku yang not approachable. satu je yang aku kesalkan, aku sayang roommates aku, and i thought they knew me. turned out to be one of them is duri dalam daging yang kemudian membawa kepada unhappy ending. zaman belajar aku sangat dull, nothing much i can recall pun because aku seorang diri membawa diri eh rhyme di situ hihihi.

the only thing that kept me survived, aku ada boifren so aku tak loser sangat hahaha. and i spent most of my time with him and family. 

and since internet has made it easier for people to stalk, looking at how they are doing now - i'm glad aku bukan kawan mereka. i mean, they are not bad. cuma aku tak sekufu, and i can't live the way they are living their lives although sekarang aku bukan lagi budak miskin. tak reti la nak party-party ni beb. lepak-lepak karok lagila tak reti. nak pergi coffee bean pun tolak-tolak dengan boifren sebab tak reti order nak order apa pun tak tahu baahahaha jakun.

bila aku ada anak nanti, dan insyaAllah kalau waktu itu aku orang berduit - akan aku khabarkan pada dia, manusia itu semuanya sama merah darahnya. yang miskin tak bermakna darah mereka tiada nilai. sekali kau toreh hati dia kasi berdarah melimpah, sakitnya sama dengan si anak raja.

miskin tak bermakna tiada hati. and yes, yang kaya itu aku. kau, anakku, takde harta apa pun hahahahahaa so suck it up and stop being a bitch. and yeah, atuk kau orang ternama dan kaya tapi aku dengan bapak kau sengkek je hahahaha.

wahhhh gila kau mencarut dengan anak sendiri hahaa.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

i'm a goddess, he said.

aku pun terkangkang-kangkang nak siapkan proposal sendiri.
berapa kali merengek-rengek menangis mengadap laptop bahahahaa.
bawah bantal toksah cakap ah hewhewhewhewehwe.

tapi tetap kawan-kawan kata aku tahu macam-macam.
mintak tolong ajar la bimbing la apa la.
amboi perli ke apa mereka ni. 
tampor kang hahaha.

orang kata aku bagus.
very hardworking.
very strong.
under whatever circumstances and situations, i can figure out my way through.
but why don't i feel that way about myself?

blues.
that's it.

post-menstrual blues.
blame it on it.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

support system.

when you decide to do something not ordinary, be sure of it.
make sure you own a very good support system.

when i decide to further my studies, i thought i'm alone is sufficient.
but i was wrong.
very much wrong.

i'm strong but i'm still human.
there are times i feel like backing off.
there are times i feel like raising the white flag.
there are times i feel like ending it all.

mom - no.
she's just too occupied with something, somebody else.

siblings - no.
i think they just don't care or maybe they think i'm fine on my own.

the other half - no.
he thinks i'm wonderwoman.

friends - no.
i don't even have a good one.

there are times i feel like crying wholeheartedly under the pillow.
but that's just too childish for my age.

who am i going to impress, actually?

turn off the light, turn off the light - othello.

aku disahkan menghidap jerawat rage.
merata naik.
bukan dekat muka je, badan pun kena.
leher, bahu, kulit kepala.
you name it.

that's a sign aku sangat tertekan.
to quit, or not to quit?

wahai hati, bersabarlah.
sesungguhnya buah kesabaran adalah yang paling manis.

wahai Tuhan yang maha mendengar, maha mengetahui dan maha pengasih.
permudahkanlah urusanku ya Allah.
kuatkan hati tabahkan jiwa lapangkan dada.

berikanlah apa yang terbaik.
tunjukkan aku jalan itu.

petua.

If you're looking for what is rotten, that's exactly what you'll get. 
So find what's for your best interest. 

Best friend is easier to tolerate with. 
So turn him into one.

Don't be too rigid. 
Be able to let go. 
Must forget; forgetful is even better hahaha. 

Most of all, never pretend. 
You can never sustain the made up character more than you think you could. 

Love works when you let it be. 
And if one asks me what is love, i would answer in only one word. 

EFFORT. 

entri berserabut.

i have so many things running on my mind.
daripada perihal study ke perihal peribadi.
macam-macam.

i always feel like if i still have my father, things will be better.
will it be?

aku pernah ditikam bertubi-tubi.
selalunya aku akan maafkan aje.
tapi kenapa aku tetap tak boleh tengok muka dia?

a research says chocolate can change your mood drastically.
i think i'm experiencing it now.

if papa is still alive, will he be proud of me?
what would he say to me?
i'd really love to know.
i haven't dreamt him for quite some time.
rindu.

i have less than a year.
but i don't feel like doing anything just yet.
nothing.

will the arrangement be easier if papa is still around?
mungkin di saat ini beliau sudah merangka-rangka apa nak dibuat.
or the worst would be him inviting the whole world.
hahaha he's funny and so adorable.

sometimes i don't feel like talking.
so it's kinda problematic because friends couldn't stop talking.
and it seems rude to just ignore them.
how?

when you have like 8 years gap of doing nothing on the resume, you'll have a hard time getting a job, dontcha think?
plus minimal working experience.
so you cannot be choosy.
but people love to choose.
me too.

my workplace is just nearby.
dulu before the traffic lights exist, i took only five minutes to reach the office.
now ten.
still considerable.
no traffic jams, no need to pay for parking - lots of them.


i'm just a typical malay.
aku malas.
dan aku tak suka perubahan.
eh yeke?
aku penakut.
takut kalau perlu mengajar kaum lain.
takut tak sabar.

aku racist, kau tahu?
but i love my non malay friends.
F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
that's different.

i love my supervisor.
she is so motherly.
at least that's how i feel.
but now i'm feeling the pressure bahaha.

"we're long overdue, ya know"
she uses WE, not you.
it means a lot to me.
i love you, Dr.

sometimes, i just wish one would pat my back when i say things like how i miss my dad and what would he say to me now.
the other half couldn't do that.

not that he doesn't love me or trying to brush it off.
but i know he's dealing with the lost too.
he just couldn't find the right words to say to me.
it's fine.

poor him.
he looks forward to get to know papa but he misses the chance.



pardon my grammar, ya'll.

i saw a dead body this morning.
and i cried.

thinking of how the family back home getting the news of it broke my heart.
knowing that the lost they have to deal with, i know exactly how it feels.
i cried knowing it's not easy and i can still play the same moment when doctor said papa was gone in my head over and over again.

tonight i'm just sad.
i cried when i saw a pakcik tepi jalan, berpanas buat kerja.
he reminded me of my dad.

big, round, dark, sweaty.
i miss papa.
i feel so sad each time i see someone like him.
nak-nak yang susah-susah.
yang berpanas-panas bekerja mencari sesuap nasi.

if one asks me what i regret most, i would definitely answer:
                         "aku tak sempat bagi bapak aku merasa hidup senang".

but that's just life.
and death is inevitable.